I am here, he is there. What more is there?

I miss my husband so much and yet, it hurts that he does not seem to understand how I feel. He wonders why I wanna talk to him every day and why I have to "make a big deal" out of it.

HAPPINESS

I talked to my husband this morning and we decided that even of the house is not rented he will be moving North around June 10th. Our anniversary is June 9th. I cannot express the joy I feel right now!!!

lost in Pa

Today I just felt lost. In every sense of the word.

To start out with I got lost on my way home from my new job, (side note: yay me!) I mean really lost. I missed the turn to get on the correct road due to the miles of construction taking place that had not started til after I had passed by the first time. Granted this was my first time ever driving the route myself so I guess I could not be too upset with missing the turn, but I was so bull-headed that I waitied until I really did not knopw where I was to call and ask for help. Even then it took my dad, 2 construction workers, and a sign to get me back on "a" track to get me home.
 In the end I found myself back in the town of the College University and saw my professor walking out of a building so I stopped to say Hi. She is taking a sabbatical next year to go and work on her art. which is good, for her. She will be gone for an entire year. So now I am worried about what to do next. Should I go for the double major? should I major with the B.F.A. and get a minor in English and then just get a teaching cert? Should I go back to the island and just stick out the lease?
I got a new job but the pay is the lowest I have ever been paid since I was 16. That really has me at a loss. Then again if I am going back to college then I guess it is ok to just have a part time job. But what about Alix? What about Dyan? How will they survive while I am off student teaching? I don't think I can work while I am doing that.

I am so lost without Dylan here. He is the one I ramble off everything to and he always has some silly comment that makes me feel better. I know he is down there on the island having fun. There is a Pow wow this weekend and they are letting him be a part of the festivities. I do not understand how he can be so calm about our separation. I called him and asked why he had not called his daughter back and he asked if he had to call every day. I said no hunny but you promised to call and talk to her. He had forgotten that he said that. I sometimes worry that he is using his memory as an excuse to not have to do things or remember things. I mean he always remembers what his boss tells him to do. right?

Being home is weird. i think it is so weird because my sister is also here and she just drives me up a wall. Her business is none of mine but living together again lets me see glimpses of it even if I don't want to. She is up to her old trick again making sure she is not being ignored. I would love nothing more than to simply say that she can stay and I will just get an apartment, but I need to get some money together to get myself out of debt and back in the "green". I am trying to fix the mistakes I made and (to me at least) she is just trying to get people to give her something, anything. I know my mom and dad love her but they are saints people. really and truly. I would have thrown her out on her ass the first time she did one of the things she did. Then again maybe I would not have. If Alix ever does anything simiular to her aunt I have no clue how I would react. I just don't see me having the same patience and forgivness they have.

I am a firm believer of the phrase "hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on me."

But for now I am lost and just a little alone because I have no place to go. I just need to... figure out what I need to do.

Packing

So I have sat down and thought about things.
I have been married for 3 years (almost)
In the 4 years we have been together we have:
Moved 5 times(this will be the sixth)
Lived in three states
and went through 3 cars.

Why is it so hard to settle down? we will be moving at least one more time after moving back to my parents and after I graduate... who know where we will go?

For now I will pack. The future has so many possibilities that it makes my head spin.
This is me... packing.

How long was it before you and your significant other settled down and stayed in one place?

Easter

So today was Easter Sunday. I got up early and put out Dylan's and Alix's baskets and yelled upstairs that the Easter Bunny had come. Then I jumped into the shower. I got out and both baskets had been riffled through and there was not one for  me.
Now I know what you are thinking... Easter is not about a stupid basket. The whole thing brought up a recurring issue though. Dylan never thinks of me at holiday are Birthdays. or our anniversary.My first Mother's Day... he didn't even say Happy mother's day. My birthday? He thinks a great roll in the sack is a good present. Today when I asked him if he got me anything he ran upstairs and got the gift he was going to give me for Russian Christmas. (long story it never happened) It was a bag of plaster. Now I have been wanting a bag, (it's my medium of choice for sculpting) but, not for a gift...as the whole gift. That would be something my dad would get me as a gag gift. The only time he actually does well when buying stuff... Christmas. well at least the Christmas  before last.

Now don't mis-understand, I have been making excuses for him for the last three years. "He's working too hard to remember" or "He just not romantic" or "He has a bad memory". I am tired of always making excuses for him. I am always tired of giving and giving. It's not like it is a competition either. I honestly forget about what he has done past years hoping he gets it right the next time. he never does... Like for Easter I was shopping and saw a lunch box... Mom always gets dad a lunch box for one holiday or another and I thought that it was a good time to get Dylan one. (Alix destroyed his current one.) The gag part of his gift was plastic silverware and paper plates so he doesn't have to do dishes while I am gone. Then I threw in some choc free candy and called it a basket. I even put a new travel coffee mug in because I always "lose" his. The whole kit and caboodle cost 25 bucks. The point is I thought of my husband. I even showed it to him early so he might get the hint to get me something...any thing.

Instead he asked why I didn't get him his favorite candy.

I am really tired of feeling like I am left out at the holidays. What so I do?

New perspective

Last night was one of those long, draining nights that come when you are married. I was so angry at Dylan for staying out until 2:30 am. He said he was only going to be a few hours. I went ballistic. I had so many thoughts going through my head.
Luckily one of my best friends... no, my BEST friend was on line last night. He and I talked and compared notes on married life. He is probably the only man who can get away with calling me over-reactive. Then again, he has known me longer than any other human being (not counting parents) in the world. He was there for me when the first man I fell in love with cheated on me. He also dealt really well when I thought that I had fallen in love with him. AND he took me to our senior prom. oh the sight of him in a white tux was great. He was there through my darkest times and I have helped him through some tight spots as well. I still panic when ever he has to go in and have the hole in his heart checked.
Anyways... he and I talked and he brought a really good point to view. The reason I over react so easily is because I do not have any one here that I can rely on except my husband. So when ever he does something silly, say not calling when he is going to be late, I take is too personally because I am left alone.
In Pennsylvania I have a support system. This is part of the reason I want to move back. But here is my dilemma: There are two views to me moving home and I do not know which is "right".
View 1.) The entire point of getting married and growing up is to move away from the main family and start a new family. By staying close to the main branch of the family the newly formed family will never actually be their own "separate" entity. 
View 2.) Multiple branches of a family can co-exist in one area. They work together (and alone) to raise the children and help each other out. The amount of involvement of the family to any one home is up to the people who live in that home. It is more a  " it takes a village to raise a child" mentality.
I know which I believe...and that is why I am going home.

A day off

Today is the only day I have off this week. There are a million things I should be doing: Cleaning, packing, planning. Thing is the only think I want to do is sleep.
I just need some inspiration...

Alix and I just got back from a walk. Inspiration is mine! I spent money that I know I should have saved but, I needed to splurge so, I got Easter stuff for Alix and Dylan! I got Dylan a new lunch box with coffee mug. ( I keep losing his) and Alix got normal easter candy and basket and a three foot tall coloring book... or so maybe it was only two feet tall. I had more fun watching Alix skip down the road on the way home though. She kept saying that puppy was lonely. When we got home I left her run around outside with Ziggy (our puppy) and then she decided she was tired and wanted a nap. My two year old tells me when it is time to nap!
I have decided that I will pack up one room at a time. This seems easier than trying to figure out how to pack the whole house. I wish that Dylan would be here to help me but he is too busy working for Amber's boss. I know we need the money but the more time he spends over there the more I worry. He says I am over-reacting. Maybe I am. I will be happier once we are off this island. My main fear is that I am leaving him alone on this island for at least two weeks.
He reminded me this morning that we will have been married for three years in just two months. The longest we have been apart has been... three days??? Now I am planning to leave him here and not see him for at least two weeks?!?!?! Alix is gonna freak out.
OK so here is my question to you, my vast legion of followers: What room do I pack first?

just a thought

I am sitting here with my daughter in my lap as she tells me a story about the pennies in her hand. I cannot understand the exact content if the story because I only understand every third word that comes out of her mouth but, the thought is there. She is so much like me in her personality that I don't even "resent" her for looking like a mini version of her father.
The story must be done because she just handed me the pennies and snuggled into my chest. This is my favorite time of day. She woke up earlier from her nap and just wanted to sit with me. we watched "Aristocats" and then made hot dogs for dinner. Now she is simply watching me as I type. Occasionally I will reach down and tickle her but not a lot. I think she likes this time too. I say that because I have tried before with no luck to try and get her do go do something else or even have me go with her. She just wants to sit and snuggle. It's the days like today that I want to hold onto for dear life. The days like today that keep me sane and remind me that I am making the right choice to move to Pa. My daughter needs family. Not just some random people who really care less about her.
The past few days have also made it abundantly clear that we cannot survive on this island. With us not being able to afford the outrageous cost of day care here Dylan and I have had to work our schedules opposite so that one of us is home at all times. I work from 7am-1 pm and he works 1pm-10pm. He is still sleeping when I leave and I am asleep before he gets home. I know we have done this song and dance before. and we have always made it work. but here there is nothing for me to do when he is not here. I have actually become a complete zombie.
That also leads me to why I want to leave. I am a zombie here. The isolation factor is so complete that I just can't handle it. and that is not fair to Alix. She wants to play and run and laugh and I just want to sleep. When she was younger and we lived elsewhere I would focus all my attention on her. We would color and read and I even puzzles. Why is it so different here? When we were in Rock hill...we were there because Dylan wanted to be there. I hated it from the second week we were there but Dylan was happy. He was closer to his brother and had a decently good job. But still I did not like it. So I focused everything I had into making Alix happy because, if I stopped and looked around at where I was I would just start yelling. I hated it there but I wanted to keep Dylan happy. so I didn't really push to leave until we were there almost two years. I wanted to go home to Pa but Dylan was so adamant about it that I became desperate to get out. I let a woman I deemed to be my friend convince me to move to where she was living. I thought that she would be close enough to family for me to be happy. I was too, until the newness wore off and I realized that(A) It was not her that I was so close to in Pa but her boyfriend (we shall call him B) and (2) she had to control every situation. If she didn't want to do it... you didn't do it. {example... B and I wanted to go have a beach fire... it was over cast but we didn't care. we were going to just go do and I assumed that if it rained on us then we simply would not have to worry about putting out the fire. ya know, who cares? But NOOOo she had to go and get all superior and let us know that it was a stupid idea to go and do something like that. we were just going to waste time and energy going down there only to have to turn around and pack up...needless to say we never went and the rain held off for at least an hour and a half.} B is my friend, or was. now I fear that he is lost in her clutches for good. He used to be so spontaneous. we did some of the craziest things that we knew were stupid but then again... who cared. we never hut any one.... nor did we break any laws. I know we have grown up in the past three years. but some things never change. unless some one changes them. I miss my B.
whoa tangent....some day I will do an actual post on that whole story but, where was I?
Oh yeah... why here is so different from Rock hill.and the answer is this: Dylan wanted to move to Rock Hill. I never wanted to move here. I just did it out of desperation. and allusions of happiness caused by some one I looked up to wrongly. (This is the woman who stopped talking to me because I got pregnant and wanted to marry Dylan. The same woman who glared at my child like an insect the first time they met. Alix was only a month old.) It is my fault. and I was wrong.
Ok I am going to end this post and start another with a topic discussing this woman. I need to rant and she will never see this site... then again I would not care if she did. I speak the truth.

Just Because

So I have decided to take a page from my mother's book. Face book is played out and no one really wants to read about my life.

But then again if I record my life I may be able to help my daughter and future children be able to remember their childhood.

So where to begin? Let's start with a recap of how I ended up where I am now... To do that we must go back about three years.....

I was in college and madly in Love with the man I later married. We were living together(must to my father's dismay)and going to college and trying to decide what to do next. I was working two jobs and going to school and He had a job and school as well. December of 2006 came and Dylan (my now husband) decided it was time to propose and make it official. (we also wanted my father to speak to us again) So he proposed to me and that night we celebrated like any couple would. We set the date for August and I told my mother by asking her if she could make me a wedding dress in nine months. She asked if I was pregnant and I said no... I just want to be married in August.

Well wedding plans ensued and so did school and work and yadadadada... until February when a friend came over and asked where the tampons were. Then it hit me... I didn't know because I had not had to use them.

Mom was right. I was pregnant.

The doctors said I had to cut my activities in half and then he put me on bed rest because I wouldn't stop. he also made me move the wedding date to June. Dylan got a second job and drop out of school as well to take care of me. After the first trimester I was allowed to get up and by the the time of the wedding I was off restriction. Not that it helped because no one would hire the woman who was 6 months pregnant...

The day we got back from the wedding Dylan went to work and quit one job to work full time at the other. when he walked into the second job he was fired.

We panicked. we moved into my parents house for a while and then found a place of our own near by. Dylan got a job and after Alix was born I got one too. but we were struggling. so we got the bright idea to leave Pa and go south. "there and more jobs in the south" we told our selves.

Well here we are three year later. After three moves we have decided that it was wrong to leave Pa before finishing our degrees.

So there you are. You are caught up...That was the quick and painless version of the last three years. I will use this Blog to document the road I take to becoming the mother, teacher and wife I have always wanted to be....

For now, Blessed be and know I will always leave you a flower.