A day off

Today is the only day I have off this week. There are a million things I should be doing: Cleaning, packing, planning. Thing is the only think I want to do is sleep.
I just need some inspiration...

Alix and I just got back from a walk. Inspiration is mine! I spent money that I know I should have saved but, I needed to splurge so, I got Easter stuff for Alix and Dylan! I got Dylan a new lunch box with coffee mug. ( I keep losing his) and Alix got normal easter candy and basket and a three foot tall coloring book... or so maybe it was only two feet tall. I had more fun watching Alix skip down the road on the way home though. She kept saying that puppy was lonely. When we got home I left her run around outside with Ziggy (our puppy) and then she decided she was tired and wanted a nap. My two year old tells me when it is time to nap!
I have decided that I will pack up one room at a time. This seems easier than trying to figure out how to pack the whole house. I wish that Dylan would be here to help me but he is too busy working for Amber's boss. I know we need the money but the more time he spends over there the more I worry. He says I am over-reacting. Maybe I am. I will be happier once we are off this island. My main fear is that I am leaving him alone on this island for at least two weeks.
He reminded me this morning that we will have been married for three years in just two months. The longest we have been apart has been... three days??? Now I am planning to leave him here and not see him for at least two weeks?!?!?! Alix is gonna freak out.
OK so here is my question to you, my vast legion of followers: What room do I pack first?

just a thought

I am sitting here with my daughter in my lap as she tells me a story about the pennies in her hand. I cannot understand the exact content if the story because I only understand every third word that comes out of her mouth but, the thought is there. She is so much like me in her personality that I don't even "resent" her for looking like a mini version of her father.
The story must be done because she just handed me the pennies and snuggled into my chest. This is my favorite time of day. She woke up earlier from her nap and just wanted to sit with me. we watched "Aristocats" and then made hot dogs for dinner. Now she is simply watching me as I type. Occasionally I will reach down and tickle her but not a lot. I think she likes this time too. I say that because I have tried before with no luck to try and get her do go do something else or even have me go with her. She just wants to sit and snuggle. It's the days like today that I want to hold onto for dear life. The days like today that keep me sane and remind me that I am making the right choice to move to Pa. My daughter needs family. Not just some random people who really care less about her.
The past few days have also made it abundantly clear that we cannot survive on this island. With us not being able to afford the outrageous cost of day care here Dylan and I have had to work our schedules opposite so that one of us is home at all times. I work from 7am-1 pm and he works 1pm-10pm. He is still sleeping when I leave and I am asleep before he gets home. I know we have done this song and dance before. and we have always made it work. but here there is nothing for me to do when he is not here. I have actually become a complete zombie.
That also leads me to why I want to leave. I am a zombie here. The isolation factor is so complete that I just can't handle it. and that is not fair to Alix. She wants to play and run and laugh and I just want to sleep. When she was younger and we lived elsewhere I would focus all my attention on her. We would color and read and I even puzzles. Why is it so different here? When we were in Rock hill...we were there because Dylan wanted to be there. I hated it from the second week we were there but Dylan was happy. He was closer to his brother and had a decently good job. But still I did not like it. So I focused everything I had into making Alix happy because, if I stopped and looked around at where I was I would just start yelling. I hated it there but I wanted to keep Dylan happy. so I didn't really push to leave until we were there almost two years. I wanted to go home to Pa but Dylan was so adamant about it that I became desperate to get out. I let a woman I deemed to be my friend convince me to move to where she was living. I thought that she would be close enough to family for me to be happy. I was too, until the newness wore off and I realized that(A) It was not her that I was so close to in Pa but her boyfriend (we shall call him B) and (2) she had to control every situation. If she didn't want to do it... you didn't do it. {example... B and I wanted to go have a beach fire... it was over cast but we didn't care. we were going to just go do and I assumed that if it rained on us then we simply would not have to worry about putting out the fire. ya know, who cares? But NOOOo she had to go and get all superior and let us know that it was a stupid idea to go and do something like that. we were just going to waste time and energy going down there only to have to turn around and pack up...needless to say we never went and the rain held off for at least an hour and a half.} B is my friend, or was. now I fear that he is lost in her clutches for good. He used to be so spontaneous. we did some of the craziest things that we knew were stupid but then again... who cared. we never hut any one.... nor did we break any laws. I know we have grown up in the past three years. but some things never change. unless some one changes them. I miss my B.
whoa tangent....some day I will do an actual post on that whole story but, where was I?
Oh yeah... why here is so different from Rock hill.and the answer is this: Dylan wanted to move to Rock Hill. I never wanted to move here. I just did it out of desperation. and allusions of happiness caused by some one I looked up to wrongly. (This is the woman who stopped talking to me because I got pregnant and wanted to marry Dylan. The same woman who glared at my child like an insect the first time they met. Alix was only a month old.) It is my fault. and I was wrong.
Ok I am going to end this post and start another with a topic discussing this woman. I need to rant and she will never see this site... then again I would not care if she did. I speak the truth.

Just Because

So I have decided to take a page from my mother's book. Face book is played out and no one really wants to read about my life.

But then again if I record my life I may be able to help my daughter and future children be able to remember their childhood.

So where to begin? Let's start with a recap of how I ended up where I am now... To do that we must go back about three years.....

I was in college and madly in Love with the man I later married. We were living together(must to my father's dismay)and going to college and trying to decide what to do next. I was working two jobs and going to school and He had a job and school as well. December of 2006 came and Dylan (my now husband) decided it was time to propose and make it official. (we also wanted my father to speak to us again) So he proposed to me and that night we celebrated like any couple would. We set the date for August and I told my mother by asking her if she could make me a wedding dress in nine months. She asked if I was pregnant and I said no... I just want to be married in August.

Well wedding plans ensued and so did school and work and yadadadada... until February when a friend came over and asked where the tampons were. Then it hit me... I didn't know because I had not had to use them.

Mom was right. I was pregnant.

The doctors said I had to cut my activities in half and then he put me on bed rest because I wouldn't stop. he also made me move the wedding date to June. Dylan got a second job and drop out of school as well to take care of me. After the first trimester I was allowed to get up and by the the time of the wedding I was off restriction. Not that it helped because no one would hire the woman who was 6 months pregnant...

The day we got back from the wedding Dylan went to work and quit one job to work full time at the other. when he walked into the second job he was fired.

We panicked. we moved into my parents house for a while and then found a place of our own near by. Dylan got a job and after Alix was born I got one too. but we were struggling. so we got the bright idea to leave Pa and go south. "there and more jobs in the south" we told our selves.

Well here we are three year later. After three moves we have decided that it was wrong to leave Pa before finishing our degrees.

So there you are. You are caught up...That was the quick and painless version of the last three years. I will use this Blog to document the road I take to becoming the mother, teacher and wife I have always wanted to be....

For now, Blessed be and know I will always leave you a flower.