lost in Pa

Today I just felt lost. In every sense of the word.

To start out with I got lost on my way home from my new job, (side note: yay me!) I mean really lost. I missed the turn to get on the correct road due to the miles of construction taking place that had not started til after I had passed by the first time. Granted this was my first time ever driving the route myself so I guess I could not be too upset with missing the turn, but I was so bull-headed that I waitied until I really did not knopw where I was to call and ask for help. Even then it took my dad, 2 construction workers, and a sign to get me back on "a" track to get me home.
 In the end I found myself back in the town of the College University and saw my professor walking out of a building so I stopped to say Hi. She is taking a sabbatical next year to go and work on her art. which is good, for her. She will be gone for an entire year. So now I am worried about what to do next. Should I go for the double major? should I major with the B.F.A. and get a minor in English and then just get a teaching cert? Should I go back to the island and just stick out the lease?
I got a new job but the pay is the lowest I have ever been paid since I was 16. That really has me at a loss. Then again if I am going back to college then I guess it is ok to just have a part time job. But what about Alix? What about Dyan? How will they survive while I am off student teaching? I don't think I can work while I am doing that.

I am so lost without Dylan here. He is the one I ramble off everything to and he always has some silly comment that makes me feel better. I know he is down there on the island having fun. There is a Pow wow this weekend and they are letting him be a part of the festivities. I do not understand how he can be so calm about our separation. I called him and asked why he had not called his daughter back and he asked if he had to call every day. I said no hunny but you promised to call and talk to her. He had forgotten that he said that. I sometimes worry that he is using his memory as an excuse to not have to do things or remember things. I mean he always remembers what his boss tells him to do. right?

Being home is weird. i think it is so weird because my sister is also here and she just drives me up a wall. Her business is none of mine but living together again lets me see glimpses of it even if I don't want to. She is up to her old trick again making sure she is not being ignored. I would love nothing more than to simply say that she can stay and I will just get an apartment, but I need to get some money together to get myself out of debt and back in the "green". I am trying to fix the mistakes I made and (to me at least) she is just trying to get people to give her something, anything. I know my mom and dad love her but they are saints people. really and truly. I would have thrown her out on her ass the first time she did one of the things she did. Then again maybe I would not have. If Alix ever does anything simiular to her aunt I have no clue how I would react. I just don't see me having the same patience and forgivness they have.

I am a firm believer of the phrase "hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on me."

But for now I am lost and just a little alone because I have no place to go. I just need to... figure out what I need to do.